The conference

People are complete shit

People are complete shit, you know. If there’s something that I have learned from society during my whole life, is that human beings aren’t of a good nature. They are mean, disrespectful, rude, disorganized, aggressive, egocentric, cruel and incapable of feeling true compassion towards others (short pause) however, the main problem of human beings is selfishness. Yeah, that is the mother of all the other shortcomings of the occidental man. You may find it funny, but it isn’t, at all. Because of selfishness, a person is capable of starting a long detrimental and self-destructive conflict that most of the times don’t involve a great reward. If you don’t believe me just ask Menelaus or Paris, they sure know what I’m talking about. (Medium pause, he walks a little)

But don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you to be insulted, although you probably aren’t. You are probably saying to yourself: “oh man, this guy is right, I’ve been interacting with people like that during my entire life.” Well I got news for you guys: we are all shit. And I want you all to be honest and self-critical with yourselves. I mean, let’s face it, western civilization has totally failed, that’s why we are eating Chinese food, reading about Indian beliefs, decorating our houses according to what a Feng-Shui manual says and practicing yoga three or four times a week. (Short pause and a smile) But let me tell you something: Those Asian guys are not doing so great either. They aren’t good people either; they are just like us, except that they are many more. (Short pause, gesticulate with hands) The point is that the whole human race is doomed. We have no hope. We are one diplomatic incident away from the end.

(Long long pause, walks to one side and other)

But you know… I don’t want to get dead serious; I just wanna talk, because talking is good. That’s what most of us is looking for, someone to talk with for the rest of our lives. And the funny thing about that search is that in the end, when we’ve been married for a while we don’t wanna talk with our partner about anything, unless it’s strictly necessary… (Changes his voice and emphasizes the dialogue with faces): “Hey honey, what do you want for dinner? –Whatever you want sweetheart; I don’t care- So Chinese food? -Again? -Then what? - Chicken -Chicken? Is that what you want for dinner?-Ugh, then do whatever you want, you always do it anyway…” (Short pause) That is what our lives become eventually: a tedious routine without any kind of excitement.

And we thought when we were young that growing old was going to be so much fun because we were going to be able to do everything we wanted to without asking permission. Well, listen to me kids, there’s really nothing to do when you are a grown up. There’s not a funnier stage of life than the one that includes childhood, adolescence and youth. I mean Tolstoy took the time to write a book about that phase… that’s gotta mean something. (short pause) And there isn’t any doubt about which of those three is the best one, because we all know that childhood is the greatest. When you hit puberty your life starts a long and horrible process that slowly leads you to death. You start having pimples, hair grows all over the place, you need to start developing techniques to hit on girls and you suddenly feel the need to be popular and loved.

(Emphasizes with his hand)

And talking about popularity, in life you can be one of three kinds of people: the guy who doesn’t know anyone and has no friends at all, the one that has many many friends and is incredibly successful and popular, or, and this one is the most common, a regular guy that can be successful and that has a considerable amount of friends, but just a few of them are real. I mean, life can be really sad: when you reach certain age, you realize that true friendship is something really hard to find and that most of the times it isn’t anything more than a poor mirage. (Short pause)It is. And it is because society runs on a plutocratic model: you only have friends as long as you have money. If you don’t believe me, then let me tell you a little personal experience: When I was at college I used to have this great friend, we were inseparable and after we graduated, we continued being best friends for many years. After graduating I started working in a big company and I rapidly started making great money. My Friend, however, wasn’t doing so well.  One night he came to my apartment, desperate and at the verge of crying. He told me he needed two thousand dollars and that he was completely broke. I lent him the money because he was my old Pal, my good friend and I really wanted to help him. And I remember that after I gave him the check he said to me: “Oh man, this is great, you are such a good person, the greatest friend a person could wish for, you don’t have to worry about anything, you now have me, I’ll do anything for you and I’ll do everything with you, you just relax, whenever and wherever you need me, just give me a call and I’ll be there for you, I really owe you one man”. (Medium pause, he moves again from one side to another) You see, to me life is like a Ferris Wheel; one moment you are at the top contemplating everything with a known complacency and the next one you are at the bottom, longing for the top. Sinatra sung about that like 50 years ago in That’s life and he was so right.

(Long pause, nodding and intensity in his look)

Nevertheless, the thing is that our friendship suffered a progressive alienation and we stopped talking with the same frequency that we used to. Time went on and because of one of those many contingencies that there are in life, that big company where I worked and in which I had ascended to a pretty good position, went broke and I lost my job. And that’s terrible; I mean, try to picture yourselves in my position, you have a wife and two children to feed and without any incomes, just your life savings. So what do you do? You just call your old pal, your good friend that is now doing great and who, in his words, “owes you one”. You invite him for lunch and over there you tell him the story. He looks at you with a peculiar mix of pity and hidden indifference. He tells you that he doesn’t have the money at the time, but that he will make a few calls to see what he can do for you. You go back home pretty unmotivated and completely helpless. Two weeks later you hear from the mouth of a friend of your wife who happens to be also a friend of your old pal’s wife that: that good friend of yours recently bought a house on the beach and that he is going on a cruise through the Bahamas for summer vacations.(short pause and slow nodding) And that after he told you 5 years ago that he will do anything for you and everything with you, that you just needed to call him and he’ll be there for you. Well, he really owed you one because he never even paid you the money you lent him. (Short pause, Looks down and up)

Time goes by again. Three years have passed since that incident, you are back on your feet and you are doing better than before. You just bought a great apartment downtown and a beautiful summer house in Boca. You have never felt happier in your life. Suddenly, one Saturday, someone calls you close to midnight. (Short pause) yeah, it’s your old pal. He needs you to lend him some money, he is completely broke and about to lose his house. You meet him Monday morning, he explains it everything to you. You hear him, but the whole time you are thinking that now you are the one who has the upper hand. He let you down when you most needed him and now he has the nerve to ask you for money again? You already helped him once, why should you help him again? After all he acted like an asshole last time. (He makes a face) But because you are a good person, you will give him the money; you want to make a gesture of greatness so you can be in a higher moral position. At the same time, you just wanna make sure that he is not going to avoid his promises again and you make him sign a promissory, so this time you can have a written document that can be valid in a national law court. You know that you will never use it but you want him to ponder his behavior. (Short pause, looks down and leans a little bit) You people might think that I was an idiot, but I just never forget that life is like a Ferris wheel. And if I might be on the bottom again, I hope that my old pal will remember that I helped him twice and that he now owes me two. (Leans forward and smiles, not because of happiness or satisfaction about his speech but for the joy of ending)